* What was something that others did do that made you feel less alone as you were going through the season of suffering?

{LISA} - They were present. I had two really good friends who were able to sit with me in my grief and listen to my darkest thoughts, fears, and feelings without judging me or being overcome needed those spaces.

-They helped me find ways to do the things I love. At first the boredom and uselessness were unbearable. People invested a lot of time and money in helping me figure out how to read independently, building the box that lets me eat by myself, or repurposing a soapdish to hold my paints.

- They indicated that they still wanted to be in relationship. It now takes more work to be my friend. In fact, at some point, we were told to hold onto the friends that we had before I got sick because we weren't going to be able to make any new ones. However, God has really blessed us with wonderful friends both before and after I got sick. It is been a huge blessing and a sign of God's love whenever people have gone out of their way to make their lives accessible. Whenever somebody purposely rents a first floor apartment, put a ramp on their house, or has a party at my house it reminds me of Jesus's incarnation.

- They allowed us to serve. One of the hardest parts of my disability is becoming a taker of help and not having ways to give. For example, our church moved Sunday school to the first floor so that I could be a teacher and my mom came out to help with cooking and cleaning so that Eric and I could be foster parents.   

- They took care of Eric. Especially the beginning, I wasn't in any place to support Eric emotionally, but many people stepped into the gap with prayer, meals, friendship.

 * What is the best thing to come out of your pain?

{ERIC} The best thing to come out of my pain has been perseverance in the knowledge that God has not forgotten or abandoned us.  Even in the very darkest times when we were struggling with the will to go on living, God would meet me in a quiet moment by myself and remind me that he is always there and that he loves me.  God has continually provided for us what we have needed - a wheelchair, a car, a house, jobs - and even given us great joys - each other, our daughter.  I am all the more thankful for these blessings because of the pain we have endured.  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

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* How has your suffering shaped your image of who God is?

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{LISA} I think before I got sick I felt like God was near to me. While there was a wonderful intimacy, I think sometimes I failed to see the bigger picture. Through the course of my illness and disability I think I've been able to see the longer view. I understand what Martin Luther King meant when he said the arc of history it was long and it bends towards justice. God's work in the world is a big and long story and I play a small part. I relate now more to the power and majesty of God. My faith is one of willful obedience, not the youthful exuberance that I once had. I choose to honor God and I choose to follow him on days when he feels close, in seasons where he feels far, when I feel safe, protected, and cared for, as well as when I feel angry and struggle to understand His purpose. I don't want to trade the ways that the suffering has matured my faith but I hope for the day when God feels as intimately close as he used to.

* Is there a verse or lyric, token or visual that has daily helped you make it through each moment?

{LISA} "Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare." (Jer 29:4)

This word is sent to the Israelites when they're in a low and dark place. They've been dragged from their home, watched those they love die and suffer, they have been humiliated. They have been exiled to a strange place when they thought all that God had for them was in Jerusalem. I identify with that. Everything about my illness and disability was humiliating. I was brought so low. The most private things in life became public and messy. The kind of deep hurts that you want to grieve and suffer privately were shared widely. We had come to Los Angeles temporarily thinking we would either go back to New York or go to the mission field in two years time. I didn't like it here. The Israelites had heard from a false prophet that their suffering was soon to be over and that they would be restored and brought back home. But through Jeremiah, God told them a really hard truth. Everything was not going back to the way it was, they were not going home anytime soon, and that God's purpose for them was to remain in exile. God was going to restore his people eventually, but not in the lifetime of his hearers.

This is the truth for Eric and I as well. God has chosen not to heal my body right now. God has chosen not to send us overseas or back where we came from. God's purpose for us is to remain in Los Angeles. God wanted the Israelites to live in that reality, to build houses, plant gardens, have children, to move forward even if this isn't how they envisioned their lives. After I got sick I really wanted just to say, okay, I will sit in this chair until I die. God you have stripped my life of purpose and meaning and I will sit here and wait to meet you. But God doesn't have the Israelites just to sit and endure their captivity, he calls them to live. I've met a lot of people who respond to their illnesses and disabilities by giving up. It's tempting to me every day to say I will serve God when I can walk, when I can use my handS. Someone else should serve God because it's easy for them to do so. Instead God calls me to make a home, make a family, and to keep living, regardless of how difficult it may be for me to do so or how easily it could have been done by someone else.

The problem for the Israelites is hidden in a calling. God tells them that they need to seek the peace and welfare of Babylon, of the place where they are in exile, of the place. They absolutely do not want to be. God promises that they will find welfare, peace, well-being, when they seek it for their neighbors. There are many things that have been suggested to me that would help improve my welfare, that would put me at peace. People have suggested relaxing, resting, taking more pain medication, to make me feel better. But God's calling is different, he says that if I hope for well-being and peace I need to work for the well-being and peace of others, even during my own period of exile.

* Was there a turning point moment when you recognized and moved from the agony into hope? What helped this shift occur or is a more of a daily rhythm of choosing?

{LISA} After about a year of intensive rehab it was clear to me that I wasn't improving in a way that I was going to be able to return to to the way things were. I think that was the darkest moment because I felt like God placed this calling on our lives and then took away our ability to do that, or really anything. I had sought counseling basically from the moment I woke up in the ICU, but did not have a positive experience with what the hospital provided. Eric and I decided that it was worth it to pay for private counseling. I was recommended a Christian woman with a PhD in psychology, not only did she meet all the requirements, but she had lived with a disability  her whole life. She helped me process my grief and return to God.

She told me two things that made all the difference. First, God had not changed our calling. Just because it seemed impossible didn't mean we weren't supposed to step forward in faith. This truth took deep root in us and lead us to move back to South LA. Our return brought many challenges, but also physical, emotional, and spiritual healing.  As we pursue God's purpose for our lives, He provides what we need to meet the challenge. Doctor Gail also taught me to embrace the bittersweet. Even when wonderful things happen, it's never going to be like I have dreamt. I have to choose to willingly face the sorrow that allows me to experience the joy. If we never had our daughter, I wouldn't have to fully experience the heartache of what I can't do for her, but I would miss all the blessings as well.        

* What are the most important traits to develop as a caregiver?

{ERIC} A caregiver and the one receiving care have a paradoxical relationship.  While they are for each other the one person in the world who understands the other best, they will also never be able to truly understand the other's life.  While they both experience and participate in the same routine of care every day, they will never be able to trade places.  The caregiver can never really know what it is like to depend on the care of another - to be unable to provide for oneself.  The caregiver only knows the things asked for, not the things unasked.  The one receiving care can never really know what it is like to bear the burden of providing the care.  Becoming a caregiver means doing what is required with love, compassion, and patience in spite of that tension.

* What would you tell someone who is about to face that same (or similar) challenges?  OR If you could go back and tell yourself one piece of advice (or give yourself one bit of encouragement) before this all began, what would you say?

{LISA} Life isn't over. It took me some time to figure that out, and there were moments when I had wished it was. Looking at it now, I realize that we have been able to fulfill so many of our dreams, it has just looked different than we had planned. In my wheelchair I have completed a masters degree, been in five weddings, traveled for work, traveled for fun, built relationships with my neighbors, taught children to read, been a Sunday school teacher, planned events, coached a robotics team, been a foster parent, witnessed my niece's birth, returned to teaching public school, flown in a helicopter and hot air balloon, led parent trainings, bought a house, rode my bike on the beach path, and conceived, birthed, fed, and carried my daughter. There hasn't yet been anything that we really wanted to do, that was important to us, that couldn't be figured out. It's easy to focus on the things that God has not given, especially when it includes use of most of my body, but life is better when we focus on what we have been called to do, and the blessings that come out of it.


UncategorizedAlex Wolf